3 Signs You Need Alone Time
And how to ask for it.
We’re constantly connected these days- many of us from the moment we wake up in the morning (and grab our cell phones) until our eyelids slump closed at night.
While interpersonal connection is important- whether it be through a live-in relationship like a spouse or family member, or digital connection through our devices- too much outward connection impedes on the MOST important connection- the one we have internally with ourselves.
Without intentional alone time, many of us don’t get what we need in this department. The result? Heightened feelings of anxiety, listlessness, and after prolonged periods, life can start to feel out of control or meaningless.
The solution is simple: regular periods of intentional alone time.
Here are 3 signs you need some alone time and how to ask for it.
You’re thinking, ‘what would it be like if I could just be by myself for awhile?’
This is obvious. If you’re thinking ‘maybe I need some alone time’ it’s time to act on it. Many of us don’t give ourselves this gift because we’re not used to asking for it, or wonder what the heck we’ll do when we get there. Many times an overly full schedule keeps us distracted from this simple human need and it can be easy to skip the practice altogether (yep, alone time is a practice). When you’re thinking about alone time, it’s time to schedule it. It’s not something you can really appreciate until you allow it to happen when you need it.
You’re waiting for others to make plans.
I like to call this phenomena living in a reactive state. When you get the alone time you need, you’re better able to make decisions about your life and what you want. You’re more connected to how you’re feeling and can better understand where you’ve been, why things happened that way, and where you’d like to go next. Without this intentional time for reflection, it’s easy to become reactive to your circumstances. If you find yourself living reactively, waiting for others to make plans with you instead of deciding what you want for yourself, it might be time for some alone time.
Your commitments bring you anxiety instead of excitement.
It’s not unusual to have some resistance to the things we commit to, but when this feeling turns to anxiety, it’s time to re-examine where you’re spending your time. Anxiety around commitments can stem from over-committing, causing a lack of balance- which can easily be cured by (you guessed it) sweet sweet alone time. If your plans are making your heart race, ask yourself if you need to bookend them with a little r&r, open space in your schedule, or a mid-day hiatus behind a locked bedroom door.
Okay, so you’ve decided you need some alone time. Congratulations! Now the tricky part: making sure it actually happens.
Alone time is one of the easiest commitments to break- it generally doesn’t feel productive, and can feel like a diversion from the never-ending to-do list. Indeed, alone-time loses its luster when your ‘peaceful meditation’ turns into a mind-loop about your upcoming day and what’s left for you to execute.
The first step to getting your alone time is to schedule it, and to plan for it in advance.
My favorite business entrepreneur coach Marie Forleo likes to say,
“if it isn’t scheduled, it isn’t real.”
We take time to schedule house cleaning, grocery shopping, workouts and of course work. Why not also schedule our alone time? When it’s on the schedule, suddenly you can decide what to prioritize in order to keep your commitment to yourself, and fully bring yourself to the experience. When alone time is an afterthought, it’s easily eclipsed by more ‘pressing’ tasks and will almost always be pushed to the back-burner over and over again.
If scheduling is how we ask ourselves for alone-time, communication of boundaries is how we ask others to honor it.
It can feel tough to communicate this to others if we don’t understand why we need it in the first place, so identifying what this alone time will provide for you will better help you communicate the need to a partner or a friend.
I love Alison Armstrong’s framework for this: I would love _________ (alone time for X amount of time) because it would provide me with __________ (feeling/desired result).
For example:
I would like 3 hours of uninterrupted time where I can blissfully count the popcorn on the ceiling and think about nothing until I fall asleep or spontaneously decide to do something else, because it would provide me with time to process my feelings, unwind from my week, and deal with my urge to stab people when they talk to me.
When we can attach the ‘ask’ to a result, suddenly others can understand us better and we can be more clear about what we want and need.
Communicating the boundary for alone time is the first outward step, and reinforcing your alone-time comes next.
Do you need to install a lock on your door so your kids can learn to ask Dad for help? Get it done before your alone time starts.
Is your alone time best sans cell phone? Send a simple ‘hey, I’m unplugging for a few hours- I’ll get back at ya later’ text and turn it off or set your phone to airplane mode. Sometimes this simple text to the right person can eliminate any anxiety you might feel about people who might ‘need’ you while you’re away, and allow you to sink more deeply into your time with yourself.
An email auto-responder works great for this as well- “I’m out of the office and probably in bed. Be back later!”
When it comes down to it, you have to decide when you need alone time and how much is beneficial to you.
Few people will tell you to go be by yourself, so it’s important to learn to be your own advocate. Alone time is an important self-care and personal development strategy, and regular practice can be as life-changing and worthy as any other goal. Grab your calendar, block off some time for you, and sink into this gift that we all need.
(I have a free self-care challenge if you’re ready to honor your time with yourself. Check it out here).
